Meeting Jake and falling completely head over heals in love with him changed my mind about relationships, and family. I couldn’t wait to spend the rest of my life with him. You know how they say you “know” when you are in love, so true…

After a short engagement and a perfect little wedding ceremony in Maui we decided to start trying for a family. We knew that we wanted a large family, four children and with Connor getting ready to turn two he was coming into the age that adding to our family would be perfect.

After just one month I was pregnant. The first sign was during a trip to Portland and in 75 degree weather I become dehydrated and got heat exhaustion. We were wondering what was wrong with me. My friend commented you better be pregnant, but I told her I wasn’t. I already took a pregnancy test and it was negative before the trip. When I returned home I decided to try again and it was negative. Finally a week later the third test came out positive. We were so happy, I guess happy is not he word to describe how we truly felt, ecstatic, overjoyed, delighted, everything was perfect.

We were on our way. I first appointment was Connor’s 2nd birthday (May 18th 2006) and the doctor confirmed that we were 5w5d pregnant. Our family was growing and we were all three there to see Madison for the first time, even though we did not know at that time that our little girl was in fact a girl. She looked like a small bean, but she was our bean and on her way.

My next appointment was one month later, June 19th 2006 and Madison was 10w2d. The doctor tried to find her heart beat but she was moving too much and he said we could be here a while so he brought in the ultrasound machine and we had our second glimpse as Little Miss Madison. This time she looked more like a baby, of course we did not know that she was a girl yet just our baby. Everything was on track our due date was set at Jan 14th 2007. I thought that was a bit to late in the month and believed that it would be earlier.

My first trimester ended Sunday, June 25, 2006. I was nauseas throughout the entire time, completely different then my first pregnancy. I had to eat every two hours, always snacking on things like wheat thins, yogurt with protein powder and granola. I couldn’t stand the smell of coffee, alcohol and meat, especially raw. I never thought I would be able to cook again. I was working out about three days a week, trying to stay healthy and strong, but I was always so tired. My favorite past time was sleeping. I would take two and three hour naps with Connor. I was so happy that he was still a good nap taker. Then the heat, the heat did not help. The hotter I got the worse I felt. I am normally a very cold person, but I was always the hot one. The A/C was on all the time in the house, car everywhere. With the end of my first trimester can the end of the nausea.

My next appointment was July 24th 2006 and I was 16w1d. Jake was with me as he was at every appointment and we heard her heartbeat for the first time. My heart sank, I was so happy. I thought this is real. Not too long after my appointment I felt her move for the first time. My excitement was overwhelming. I just wanted to Jake to feel her too and couldn’t wait for her to grow.

Jake and I had names pick out right away, if she was a girl Madison Lee and a boy Landon Scott. Jake and I loved the name Madison, even thought it was one of the most popular names. I remember my best friend commenting on the popularity of our name choice and she was surprised since I was rarely the type to go with common popularity. I like new and different, but Madison just fit. I was in love with her and did not care if every girl in her class shared her name. I believe for 2006 it was ranked #3, so chances of name sharing were quite possible. Madison received her middle name after my grandmother, Sandra Lee. My grandmother died when I was 16 and I wanted to give my daughter a piece of her, so I gave Madison her middle name and even kept the spelling the same.

On December 18th Madison’s movement changed. She was normally a very active and strong moving baby. I knew she was big since her movements were so much harder and intense compared to her brothers. She still wasn’t moving very much on Tuesday, but she was never a morning mover. 

So I went to playgroup but along the way I decided to pick up an iced white mocha with caffeine to get her moving. I drank the mocha while at playgroup and talked to the other mothers as Connor played with his friends. Madison still wasn’t moving very much. I knew something was wrong and decided to call my doctor’s office. After a brief conversation with the office they recommended I go to the hospital for a non-stress test (NST). I called my husband and told him what the doctor’s office said and he meet me at the hospital. The nurse hooked me up to a monitor and we were there for about three hours. Madison’s heart beat was around 150, and elevating normally but she was not moving. The doctor came in to check on us and then he got the results he was looking for, she began to move. I was told to make another NST appointment for Friday and he was going to see me the next day at my regular check up. At the appointment the doctor said I was not dilated but that if Madison’s movement did no go back to normal that he would induce labor at 39 weeks. 

On Friday, December 22nd I had my second NST and after being monitored for tow hours Madison did not pass. This time she was moving, still not her normal movements, but moving and it was her heart rate that became the concern. The nurse said they look for the heart beat to increase 15 beats above the average for at least 15 seconds and that it needs to take place twice in a certain amount of time. Since Madison’s heart rate was not increasing they ordered an ultrasound. I was placed on a gurney and rolled down the hospital. It felt strange to look up at the ceiling and have someone push me around when I was capable of walking. While I was looking up to the ceiling I noticed that the light covers had designs on them, fish, clouds and butterflies. While we were having the ultrasound done the tech said everything was looking good and asked if we knew what we were having. I told his we were told a girl and he re-confirmed and said things look good and scored her 8/8 and we were on our way home. 

Our third NST was Christmas day and this time after three hours she did not pass the NST again. The doctor had me start contractions and I was suppose to have three in fifteen minuets so they could monitor how Madison reacted to contractions. I did not make the three in fifteen minuets, but when I did experience a contraction Madison’s heart beat was normal. Since the doctor on call did not know my history/records and never saw me she ordered another ultrasound. I was wondering what this ultrasound would show that the one I had done three days before did not show. This time she did not move during the ultrasound and was scored 6/8 and I was told I had a lot of amniotic fluid. The tech said that its time to worry when she scores 4/8. I was not concerned that she did not move during the ultrasound since she was just moving right before when had the ultrasound and I thought she must just be sleeping. And we were once again sent home. I remember thinking “just keep me and observe her overnight.” A different nurse came in and I asked about kick counts and was told that if I get five movements in a half hour with in a 24 period that was fine. When I can home I just wanted Madison out so I would know she was safe. A mother should not have to think that, and maybe if I had the nurse check to see if I was dilated and pushed them to deliver her things may have had a different out come. 

Tuesday I had very little movement from Madison, the same as the past week. During this whole time I was experiencing contractions. Contractions would start and stop, nothing consistent or very painful. I do remember experience a bit of pain in the abdomen, but once again nothing very painful more like cramps when you have your period. Each time I left the hospital with a NST I was given a sheet of paper that had warning signs on it and what I was experiencing did not match any of them, but I knew something was not right. 

On Wednesday December 27th I had a early doctor appointment and this time I was seeing the other doctor my doctor shares a office with. My doctor was on vacation until after the New Year. I explained what had need taking place over the past week and that I did not feel Madison at all that morning and she was concerned. She checked Madison’s heart and it was at 130 and I was measuring big about 40 cm. She checked me and said I was dilated to a 3 so she said I was ready to be induced and ruptured my membranes to help the progression of labor. I was happy, I was going to finally have Madison and I would know she was safe. She sent me over to the hospital. My husband and son were with me but I had nothing else. After getting set up in my room I asked my husband to take Connor home and have someone watch him until I was close to delivering Madison. I really wanted Connor to meet his sister, but I did not want a 2 ½ year old sitting around the hospital all day getting board. My last labor was 36 hours and I did not think this one would be too much quicker. Jake left to drop off our son and pick up my bag. 

I was on my way, I was so happy we were going to see Madison soon. All the waiting over the past several months was finally over. The nurse hooked me up to the monitoring machine and was having a hard time getting the heart beat loud enough. Then another nurse came in and tried to find her heart beat and finally my doctor came in. No one was saying much, they had a heart beat of 130 but it was not loud. My doctor asked for an ultrasound machine. When she preformed the ultrasound I saw, after two ultrasounds in the last few days I knew what to look for. There she was and the dark spot that was her heart was still, my doctor said I am not picking up a heart beat but that did not mean anything. She said she was not the expert at ultrasounds and she would have the tech come in with the correct machine. I called Jake and he was still at the house I told him that they could not find her heart beat and he needed to get here. He arrived at the same time the ultrasound tech did and all I remember was the silence. (Apparently my heart rate was 130 and that’s what the doctor picked up her office.) I don’t even know what was said, but I knew and I began to cry. 

Madison was gone and there was nothing anyone could do. The baby girl I was expecting to take home so very soon was dead. The safest place for her to be was with me and she died. How did I not know, what went wrong, what did I do. All these thoughts went through my head. I felt as if the world stopped, and it did, at least for me. I remember feeling a movement and I told Jake I felt her move and he just looked at me. I knew it wasn’t possible but I hoped it was. I wished that somehow her heart began to beat again and that she was ok. I wanted to wake up from this nightmare, I wanted out. How could this happen, we live in the 21st century and babies do not died before birth. She was healthy and so was I, no signs until recently of anything being wrong. How all of a sudden could my worst fear come true? I remember calling my mom and telling her Madison was gone and she told me to be positive, I told her there was nothing to be positive about, she was gone. My heart was gone, I ached. The sounds of new born baby cries filled the halls and deepened the wound. It was like my heart was ripped out and I was reliving the pain with each cry. How I would be leaving without my daughter. How I would not have a baby to put in the nursery we work so hard on. How we would not have a baby to put in the car seat we had. How I would have to go through the pain of labor without the joy that it suppose to follow. 

She was 38w3d when they induced labor. My doctor broke my water around noon and I was already dilated to 5cm. I elected for an epidural, I was originally going to see if I could deliver without anything. I did not like the epidural when I had my son. I felt nothing but I could not move and my labor was so long, so I was going to try without drugs this time. After finding out Madison had passed on I decided I was in enough pain, that I did not need to feel the pain of labor. In fact I did not want to feel anything, I wanted to be physically numb as I was emotionally numb. At least I knew I had to delivery her, I saw a ER episode while I was pregnant with my son where it was shown that you must delivery a baby even after it dies. I knew that they would not do a c-section, but if I didn’t I would have been mortified. I had an epidural and pitocin at about 3pm. I was given additional medication each time my pitocin was increased and each time the epidural wore off. I was dilated at 5cm until about 9pm, then I went to 6cm and by midnight I was 10cm. After 45 minuets of pushing Madison was born at 12:55 am on December 28th 2006, she weighed 8 lbs 10oz and was 21 ins. The doctor said if she would have been alive she would have weighed well over 9 lbs and this was 10 days early. In addition to my physically pain (my epidural did not last and I felt all the pain of delivery), emotional pain I had an additional problem. Madison had double Shoulder Dystocia (Shoulder dystocia: Halt to spontaneous delivery because the baby's shoulder is wedged behind the mother's pubis after the head is delivered, due usually to the baby being too big to fit through the birth canal. Dystocia means difficult delivery.) My labor was difficult and my epidural kept wearing off. By the time I delivered Madison I felt everything. I thought how unfair, why do I have to feel the physical pain. At one point during the pushing stage I gave up and said I can’t do this. I pushed for 45 minuets. With my son I pushed for 2 hours and this was so much harder, because I knew at the end that I would not hear that cry. I would never get the joy of looking into my daughters eyes.

The hospital staff was great, everyone especially Pam. Pam was they only nurse who could relate to the lost of a child, she lost her son in a motorcycle accident. We met her before I delivered Madison and she was the nurse who prepared us for what was going to happen. She told me about skin slippage, and asked if we wanted to see her right away or wait until they clean her up. We elected to have her cleaned first. Pam was the one who bathed, dressed and gathered mementos for us. Our families were there with us during the labor, delivery and they were there to meet Madison. I remember thinking that I was not going to want to let go of her, I was not going to let them take her. Saying good-bye was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. 

We waited almost an hour before we got to see her. My parents, Aunt Kayleigh and Rachel were with us and the first to see her. Pam put Madison in my arms and I saw her for the first time. She was beautiful and I loved her so much. All these months of wondering what she would look like were over. She was a big girl and I knew she would be with full red lips. What a knock-out she would have been. Her hair was dark, but Pam said that before they washed it and added the oil that she had light golden blond hair just like her daddy. She was dresses in a red dress with white tights and black shoes. I felt red was appropriate for the holiday season, plus pink would not have suited her. A blond should wear red. 

Jake was the next to hold our beloved angel, not many people can say that they have held and angel and we have. That’s how we feel, she was a angel, and she is our angel. I am sure she will be our third child’s guardian angel, she will watch over us all but her younger brother or sister will have the great privilege of having her as their very own angel. She will watch over and protect him/her. He held her upright and kissed her. She was his little girl and he loved her so much, that is was so hard to believe that she was gone. My mom (Mema) held Madison after Jake and then it was my dad’s turn (Papa), then my sister Kayleigh. Rachel said she did not want to hold her, but while Kayleigh was holding her she changed her mine. Connor was a sleep and we woke him up to meet his sister. He was only up for a few minuets and back to dream land for him. We took lots of pictures of everyone with Madison. We have great memories of this time, and are very grateful for those memories, since this was all we were going to get. Everyone left around 4 am and once again it was just our family. Connor still asleep Jake and I took turns holding our baby girl. Our world stopped and at that moment nothing mattered. I was numb; I felt a great emptiness inside. The loss was devastating, so painful that all I felt was sad. I remember wondering if anything would ever be the same again. It was as if I was a child and I lost my innocence. This was a moment in our lives that we would never forget and I never want to forget. I now know what it is like to lose something so important that it changes you forever. I treasure our time with Madison and I knew that I would not get another chance to hold her, so I held her for hours. I knew that at some point I would have to give her back to the nurses and I dreaded that moment. Having to say good bye and never getting to see her again. Never to touch her soft face, kiss her hand or feel her head against my chin. I wanted as much time as I could take. She was my little girl and I had to give her back, it was not fair. We are good people, what did we do to deserve this, I couldn’t understand. There were not signs of cord problems and we would have to wait for the test results to get a reason of why. 

We were moved to a single room in the back of the postpartum ward. Jake’s dad came in and held Madison for a bit and then at 6:30 am we said our final good byes. Our time with her was over, now what…… 

The next hardest thing I have ever had to do was decided weather or not to have an autopsy preformed on her. We went back and forth on this for hours. Finally the thought of having her cut open was too much for us. The doctors did not think that there were any DNA issues, she was big and healthy, just still, so we elected against the autopsy. I was afraid that we would find out that they could have saved her on Monday, Christmas Day while I was in the hospital for our third NST. I did not want a reason to dwell on the what-ifs. I needed to be free of them and I did not want to point figures of blame since there was nothing that would bring her back. 

My night nurse was Sharon and day nurses were Kathy and Danielle. They were all great. I had to stay in the hospital because my white blood cell count was up, which indicated an infection and I had to receive antibiotics for 24 hours. That was the hardest 24 hours of my life. My heart ached and all I wanted was to be at home. We were surrounded by babies and each time I heard a cry it was as if someone had reached in and ripped out my heart. I was in so much mental and physical pain, I couldn’t stand it. Connor woke up around 9am and we woke to find out that the power was out. Rachel meet Jake at home and watched Connor for us until my parents could make it back from the bay area. Our family and friends were our life support. With out them we would have never been able to make it through this horrific time. 

The time finally came to leave the hospital. I remember watching the cars go by thinking that the world was cold and cruel. Realizing that time did not stop but my world and everything I knew did. On the freeway I felt as if we were in slow motion, the world was racing by us and nothing mattered. Nothing seemed real, I was watching it from somewhere else, as if I was no TV watching myself. I was disconnected with reality, the pain to too great to face. I would never again experience joy the same as I did before December 27th 2006. I would forever have a piece of me missing, lost, unable to fix or replace. The drive home was the longest ride of my life. All I wanted to do was crawl in bed and hide. I can’t even begin to explain the tremendous emptiness I felt inside. Ones greatest fear coming true, the lost of a child. Surrounded by people doing things for us and all I could do was breath. I could barely move, not from the physical pain I was in but because of the hurt I felt inside my bones. I ached with throbbing pain head to toe.